Dear Pastor,

First of all, thank you for your wonderful talk on Sunday reminding us that the Old Testament is just as inspired and inerrant as the New. Later that morning I opened the Old Testament section of my bible at random and was led to this passage from Deuteronomy.

If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard.” Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death.

Well! I was stunned! Those verses could have been written with my sixteen-year-old son Darren in mind. Darren never does what he is told and argues with everything I say. So, bearing in mind the guidance I received I am writing to ask if I could arrange for Darren to be stoned to death, preferably on a Tuesday or a Thursday, and if possible during the next fortnight, as I’m heavily committed in the following month.

Practical questions. Frattlington has no gate as such, but do you think the patch of waste ground between Tesco’s and the Esso garage might reasonably be regarded as a symbolic gateway to the town?

Then, concerning the stones themselves, I have done some pricing. Our local garden centre does offer quite nice bags of rocks at a reasonable price, but is a particular shape or size or colour more spiritually fitted to the purpose? I would value your guidance.

Also, are refreshments appropriate? If so, I am sure the ladies of the entertainment committee would be more than happy to arrange finger food and soft drinks.

Finally, it might be better not to actually tell Darren what we are planning until much nearer the date of the stoning. He can be very negative and uncooperative when it comes to church events. What do you think? 

Yours in His Grip